u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
