Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
