the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
