I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
