I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
dude. I can hear the air.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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