i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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