I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
