at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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