I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
