Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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