There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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