Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
