wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
