I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize