I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
