So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
