Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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