our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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