I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
