I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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