She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize