FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
