Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Randomize
