Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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