Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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