Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
