I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
