so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I cut my penus on the lid.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
