i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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