Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
This is my gift to your gina
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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