I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i dont even know how to be here
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
