The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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