i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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