Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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