Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
