i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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