Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
