We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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