Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
