Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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