May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
