I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
another moral hangover. fuck.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
