I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize