The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
