I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
