The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
