Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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