He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
