All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
