i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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