her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
