I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
