my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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