Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
