we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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