It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
