1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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