you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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