We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize