Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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