Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
