I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
