You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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