How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
