The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
