Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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