you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
