Pappa wants mamma naked
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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